something stupid I wrote about falcons

Robin-
>
> Let ME tell you a thing or two about falcons, or as
> I like to call them, our avian death-dealers. First
> off, falcons love to hunt smaller birds, like
> pigeons and swifts. The fact that your name is
> Robin doesn't bode well for your proposed ownership
> of a falcon; the falcon may try to kill you. The
> same goes for people with names like Jay, Wren, etc.
> This poor guy Rich and I knew in high school,
> Western Hummingbird, was slaughtered by a falcon he
> tried to tame. Another interesting story regards
> Trav's and my friend Murray, who is a talking
> squirrel. Murray was once hunted by a falcon, but
> managed to talk his way out of a jam and is now
> living somewhere in Africa.
>
> Another thing is, falcons dive-bomb their prey.
> They routinely reach 180 mph in these dives and hit
> the poor bastards from above with a wicked array of
> talons and beak. I heard that once three falcons
> were hunting a herd of elephants and dive-bombed
> STRAIGHT THROUGH the damned elephants! Put a hole
> in 'em the size of a goodyear tire, no b.s.! Be
> careful that when you attempt to have your falcon
> take out the aforementioned pigeon's nest, he
> doesn't just kill hisself by boring a hole deep,
> deep in to the ground, perhaps to China. A couple
> last facts about falcons that almost no one but me
> knows-- falcons can smell fear, falcons dine
> exclusively on blood and pixiedust, falcons and
> wolves share a common language, falcons are way
> sweeeeeet, falcons will mess you up, particularly if
> you wear a large rabbit suit (trust me on that one).
> Jesus owned falcons, as did Julius Caesar,
> Napoleon, Bob Barker, Verne Troyer aka Mini-Me, and
> my cousin Ned. Lastly, in naming your noble
> falcon, consider strong, classical names. Don't be
> tempted to do the thing that will piss the falcon
> off and name him Snufflemuffle, or Squeezybigboy, or
> Loveyboo. Falcons kill for less. Name it Malachi,
> like in the Royal Tenenbaums. That movie is rad
> with a capital RAD. Other good names for falcons
> are Patrocles, Amadeus, and Tony Lamont, Jr. Oh,
> and the famed falconer's glove you want to wear? It
> weighs over three thousand pounds and only a select
> few people living today (me) have the strength to
> lift it. Finally, don't train your falcon near a
> children's playground. Unless, of course, you
> despise children like I do. Then, it's a great
> idea!
>
> Please Email me at the International Magnolia Falcon
> Institute with any pertinent, or impertinent
> questions. In the language of the falcon,
> SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAARRRRRR